I Hate My Fantasy Team

too depressed to blog

2007-10-25T19:04:00.000-04:00

"Megan Manfull, of the Houston Chronicle, reports Houston Texans QB Matt
Schaub (ankle, thigh, hip, back) split reps with QB Sage Rosenfels Thursday,
Oct. 25. Schaub could start Week 8."

Ankle, thigh, hip, back. Awesome.

Fantasy Baseball 2007 Draft Diary: Overcoming Unusually Good Odds of Drafting a Competent Team, One Misguided Pick at a Time

2007-04-26T15:08:00.000-04:00

Fed up with years of leagues run by groups of high school friends &, in the case of our last basketball league, Germans, for our second baseball league this year, Amy F & I decided, hey. We’ve done this enough to know how to run a league. Why don’t one of us try to be commissioner this time? So Amy F started a league. We also got her sister Jean to join. Amy F is one in AMYlion, I am selflessamy…

one in A MYlion: btw, i could have order myself first in the draft but i didn't
one in A MYlion: i'm leaving it up to chance
selflessamy: way to have principles, my friend
one in A MYlion: thanks
one in A MYlion: it took some willpower
selflessamy: I'm sure it did, since it will never, ever happen by chance
one in A MYlion: perhaps this time
selflessamy: I'm glad one of us hasn't given up on the dream

But haha, the joke was on me b/c lo & behold, what do I see when the order comes up?

selflessamy: HEY! you ARE first
one in A MYlion: um...i didn't do it?
selflessamy: then good things come to those who are virtuous!
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: this has never happened before....
selflessamy: are you going Albert??
selflessamy: this is so exciting
one in A MYlion: yeah
one in A MYlion: it's really the only way to go

Never ever, in all our years of fantasy, have either of us had the number 1 pick. Don’t worry, I still had the 6th pick, but still. Very exciting stuff. Jean is drafting last & will hold the coveted back-to-back picks.

selflessamy: I hate being in A-Rod range
selflessamy: I am really hoping someone takes Santana too high again
one in A MYlion: yeah
one in A MYlion: i should take Dice-K first
selflessamy: hee
selflessamy: that'd throw everyone off
selflessamy: this team "Blown Out Knees" gave me the idea for my next hockey team name
selflessamy: it's gonna be called "Lower Body Injury"
selflessamy: either that or "Flu-Like Symptoms"

And off we go. Amy takes Pujols. It’s as awesome as I’ve always dreamed it would be. Reyes, A-Rod & Sori go quickly &… In our first league, Ryan Howard dropped to me at 5, which I considered a borderline miracle, comparable in scope to that time I got Dirk at 5. The team at 5 here is taking the full 2 minutes…

one in A MYlion: if howard drops to you...
one in A MYlion: omg....

YES! The team at 5 takes Crawford. My cursor barely turns yellow before I take Howard.

selflessamy: UNBELIEVABLE!!
one in A MYlion: i hate you
selflessamy: HAHA!
selflessamy: this is amazing

The only other interesting thing that happens in the first round, besides Jeter going too high in yet another draft, is the revealing of Jean’s Most Awesome Draft Strategy of All Time. See, the thing about being a player of fantasy sports is, you don’t actually get to put together your dream team. You’re not taking the players you like, you’re taking the ones you think will help you fill certain stat categories. A lot of times, you are forced to take players you loathe (Amy F taking Antoine Walker last year anyone?) b/c it is the intelligent choice at the moment. But Jean isn’t usually a fantasy player. And her strategy is, literally, to pick her fantasy team. A team of players she likes, without regard for their fantasy value or what round we’re in.

It’s actually kinda cool.

It also explains her back-to-back picks of Ichiro & Huston Street to kick off the second round.

selflessamy: uh oh Ichiro
one in A MYlion: yeah
selflessamy: UH OH
one in A MYlion: oh dear
one in A MYlion: she says that she doesn't care
selflessamy: interesting
one in A MYlion: i told her just to use the yahoo rankings....
selflessamy: well that could be disasterous also

I take universal mock draft 2nd rounder Carlos Beltran next. It doesn’t feel as good as you would think it would. That’s what it feels like to get a player at his approximately appropriate draft position. Very bleh. Meanwhile, Amy F has the incredibly awesome last pick of the 2nd/first pick of the 3rd back-to-backs, which almost always results in very good value…it does. She takes Manny & Sizemore.

selflessamy: I LOVE Sizemore
one in A MYlion: me too
selflessamy: hope you love just Manny being Manny...
one in A MYlion: i hope that means a lot of HR and RBIs
selflessamy: it means a lot of things
one in A MYlion: haha

Tex goes before it gets back to me, which is good b/c I was going to pass & felt insecure about it. Carlos Lee—who I gushed so much about, the fantasy gods punished me by getting him traded to the Rangers, where he immediately became just okay & then promptly fled to Houston in the offseason—goes right before my pick. I take another meh-value, Miguel Tejada. So underwhelming.

Joe Mauer, who I took in the 2nd in my other draft, goes right before Jean picks in the 3rd. I’m a little annoyed, since all the mocks I looked at had him as a first-rounder. Anyway, Jean takes Cano way too early & then recovers nicely with Morneau. You’ll remember, Morneau was my third 1B last year who started slow so I dropped him, so he naturally went on to win the AL MVP. Yeah. You’re surprised I didn’t have an entire blog entry devoted to him, aren’t you? It was too painful to talk about for a while. You have to give these things time.

Anyway, round 4 starts a run of good sluggers. Aramis Ramirez, Jason Bay & Vernon Wells go & I take Matt Holliday. Amy F takes Bobby Abreu & MY.

selflessamy: my OF is looking considerably better than that last league
one in A MYlion: i think my OF is done....
selflessamy: heh nice

Okay, the background to my next pick…in the other league, something strange happened & all the sure shot closers got snatched up early & I decided to wait it out for value picks. Only the value picks also got snatched up, so my only real closer in that league is JJ Putz. Things are not going well in that category. Anyway, I said all that so you would understand why I took BJ Ryan in Round 5.

selflessamy: I hope that wasn't a mistake just now

By now we’ve all realized it was an even worse mistake than I originally thought.

one in A MYlion: closer already?
one in A MYlion: wow
selflessamy: yeah um, I'm reacting poorly to what happened to me yesterday
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: OF and RP already?
selflessamy: shut up ;)

Apparently I set off a run of closers, b/c Nathan, Papelbon, K-Rod, Rivera, Hoffman & Putz all go in the next time around. Amy F takes Rivera & Sheets.

selflessamy: thank you for taking Sheets so I don't have to
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: sure
selflessamy: when's the earliest I'm allowed to look at Dice-K?
one in A MYlion: it's about now...

OMG should I do it? I don’t have an ace. A flyer can’t be the first SP I take, right? Right. So I take Bonderman & start praying Dice-K falls.

selflessamy: couldn't quite do it
one in A MYlion: haha

Meanwhile, Jean continues her path of destruction. She now owns every Oakland Athletic who is even remotely fantasy-worthy.

one in A MYlion: jean really likes the A's
selflessamy: yep
selflessamy: Haren is a sleeper of mine
selflessamy: but like in round 15

Unbelievably, with Dice-K still on the board, the team before me takes King Felix.

selflessamy: OMG...
one in A MYlion: is it time?

YES!

selflessamy: !!!!!
one in A MYlion: haha

Someone takes Aki Otsuka too early. I got him off waivers last year & he gave me 30+ saves. Gagne is currently on the DL with an absurd butt injury (I couldn’t make this s#&$ up if I wanted to), but I still don’t know if Aki’s a top 10 rounder.

selflessamy: hehe...Jean's going for every A that ever existed
one in A MYlion: it's true
one in A MYlion: it's the all A's team

Meanwhile things are not going well. I panic-pick Brad Lidge.

selflessamy: #jFJ(#SKJSJKLS
one in A MYlion: not feeling good about that one
selflessamy: I don't know how to feel!
selflessamy: where did you get Lidge?
selflessamy: later, right?
one in A MYlion: 10th round
selflessamy: oh ok good
selflessamy: the other guy I was looking at was a catcher & you know how much I hate drafting catchers
one in A MYlion: haha

Amy F takes Dan Uggla. This is a major problem b/c he is, in fact, one of the few remaining decent options at 2B.

one in A MYlion: i think i might have reached for uggla
selflessamy: I still don't have a 2B or a C
selflessamy: this may end up being a problem
one in A MYlion: that's why i have uggla
one in A MYlion: :(
selflessamy: heh
selflessamy: that smiley looks especially sad

Logically, I take Torii Hunter.

selflessamy: well, that wasn't a C or a 2B
selflessamy: my strategy is working
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: it's true

I finally (& it turns out tragically) take Ramon Hernandez in the 12th & Jeff Kent in the 13th.

selflessamy: f-ing Kent better not die during the season
one in A MYlion: that's a legit concern
selflessamy: was that insensitive?

Someone rather gutsy-ly takes GMJ. Then someone takes Howie Kendrick.

selflessamy: dammit, I wanted Kendrick, but like 2 rounds from now
one in A MYlion: haha

Amy F steals Felipe Lopez from under my nose after I debated taking him in the 14th. Then she takes List of 12 pick Chris Capuano in the 18th, one of my big sleepers that I was gearing up to take in one of late rounds.

selflessamy: I probably shouldn't be looking up Pettite's health status AFTER I draft him, huh
selflessamy: you stole my pick again...wtf dude
selflessamy: do you secretly hate me?
one in A MYlion: haha that's what I'm here for
selflessamy: how are you reading my mind????

I settle for taking a flyer on Jered Weaver, current DL resident, & my ill-advised sleeper (as it turns out) Gerald Laird.

selflessamy: I was gonna take Betancourt, but apparently he has to go testify against the guy who smuggled him into the country illegally...
one in A MYlion: wow, he's kinda selling out there...
selflessamy: yeah I know
selflessamy: you know what that says to me...not trustworthy
one in A MYlion: yeah....

I take multi-position phenom Rich Aurilia as my final pick & we’re done. My team & where it’s at now…

C: Hernandez (who immediately retreated to the DL), Laird (who quickly established new standards of suck), John Buck (you know you are desperate for hitting when you pick up a Kansas City Royal)
1B: Howard, Fielder
2B: Kent, Durham
3B: Hall, C Jones
SS: Tejada, Aurilia
OF: Beltran, Holliday, Francoeur, Hunter
SP: Bonderman, Dice-K (who it turns out, I have since been forced to trade for Joe Nathan), Mussina, Pettite, Jered Weaver (still on the DL)
RP: Ryan (disaster, hopefully not done for the year), Lidge (disaster, wasting away on the bench), Nathan (trade), Weathers (waiver wire claim for the 3rd year in a row)

selflessamy: "John Patterson "kind of passed out" Saturday after shagging flies during batting practice, manager Manny Acta said. The club said Patterson complained of dehydration and was given intravenous fluids. He's expected to make his next start and pitch on Opening Day for the Nats."
selflessamy: is this someone I want to pick up off waivers for one start?
one in A MYlion: um....he sounds kinda weak
one in A MYlion: perhaps you can just play him on cloudy days?
selflessamy: hehe

Play Ball!

strangled noise

2006-11-18T01:59:00.000-05:00

Ben Wallace.

Torn biceps.

jkjl dsgrgiruiukjfkds. ds;llcfkiogdjvgukrur98u9438u#*&!hfjhsij2i3221111111

Fantasy Basketball 2006: An Exercise in Panic & Gut-Wrenching Regret

2006-11-10T18:47:00.000-05:00

It’s fall…football/hockey/basketball season. Drafts all over the place… As per usual, Amy F [one in A Mylion] & I do not own the first pick.

selflessamy: you're 7, I'm 8
selflessamy: it's like clockwork
one in A MYlion: that's so sad
one in A MYlion: well i'm hoping someone takes kobe ahead of me
one in A MYlion: i don't want that decision
selflessamy: I don't want him
selflessamy: first of all, he's a jerk
selflessamy: also he had knee surgery

At 8, I expect to be in the Kobe/Brand/Arenas/TD range. I hate Kobe, I got Brand in the second round last year (so first round seems high, even though he had a fantastic year) & TD chose the one year I chose to draft him to have some sort of ridiculous, selfish foot infection. I do love Gilbert however…

one in A MYlion: it's starting!
one in A MYlion: I'm currently praying that they let matrix drop
one in A MYlion: he's probably the least well known

LeBron, KG & Dirk, who I managed to get at 5 two years ago, go quickly. D-Wade & Marion follow & apparently my dreams of stupid people in our league were for naught.

selflessamy: aw
selflessamy: it was a nice thought
one in A MYlion: omg...what if kobe is an option at 7

He’s not. Kobe goes at 6 & Amy F immediately takes Brand.

one in A MYlion: oh thank god
selflessamy: whew
selflessamy: I was afraid you'd pass on him & I'd be forced to take him
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: that would have been horrible & I'm not sure we would be able to remain friends

At 8, only one truly elite (supposedly) player remains. Gilbert! This causes a run of the best PGs, something that usually happens in the late second round, without me, & resulting in my being stuck w/someone like Tony Parker as my starting PG & highly increasing the chances I would jump out a window that season. But this year, I have Gilbert! So I can safely spend all of my self-hatred quota on center woes. Anyway, Chris Paul goes at 9, followed by AI &…

selflessamy: NASH!!
one in A MYlion: wow...nash in the first!

I still do not understand. I swear, I don’t hate him for leaving Dallas, but he plays EXACTLY THE SAME!! I’m pretty sure the first year I played fantasy, he went in like the 6th or 7th. He doesn’t even have a truly healthy Amare Stoudemire to throw to now & he’s gone in the first 3 years in a row. I just don’t get it.

The only other player I considered at 8, Tim “Debilitating Foot Infection” Duncan, otherwise known as the thorn in my first-round-pick side last year, is still on the board after Nash.

selflessamy: omg...no way TD gets back around, right?
one in A MYlion: even the yahoo rankings are low on him this year

Never mind, there he goes at 12. If you’re keeping score at home, I took him at 8 last year. Meanwhile, it is winding back around to me & 3 guys I am considering, AK47, Ray Allen & Paul Pierce, immediately go off the board.

selflessamy: WHO DO I WANT??!?
one in A MYlion: bosh?
one in A MYlion: yao?
selflessamy: Ben Wallace?
selflessamy: omg
selflessamy: what to do?!?

Well my favorite first round pick for 2 years, Jermaine “Not as long a suspension as Ron Artest for the Palace Brawl Debacle” O’Neal is still there. I mean, I guess? I’ve always had a soft spot for him, even if he’s been injured & not as good recently. But I mean, it is the second round… So I take him & Amy F immediately snaps up Yao. Jason Kidd, another thorn in my starting-PG-as-recently-as-2-year-ago side goes next. And 2 picks later…

selflessamy: and there it is
selflessamy: Amare in round 2
selflessamy: scary
one in A MYlion: and then...lamar odom
one in A MYlion: that doesn't seem right
selflessamy: hey, I had him last yr
selflessamy: he didn't suck
selflessamy: of course I got him in the 4th
one in A MYlion: true, but tmac is still there

VC, or as Bill Simmons said, VINCE CARTER IN A CONTRACT YEAR!!! goes at 23. I hadn’t read that Simmons column before the draft, or else I would have definitely taken him first overall. I mean damn. The Nets might freaking win the title. VINCE CARTER IN A CONTRACT YEAR!!!! Anyway, round 3…

selflessamy: wow, this already having a PG thing is AWESOME
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: usually this would be where I freak out

Round 3 starts w/T-Mac, who was a sure-fire first rounder 2 years ago. Now he goes in the third to make sure all his body parts get drafted with him.

selflessamy: next available on my list is Ron Artest...
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: that's terrifying
one in A MYlion: that's fun
selflessamy: heh
selflessamy: oh!
selflessamy: there he goes

Hmm. Ben Wallace might make it to me & I considered him in the second…&…yes! Amy F takes Joe Johnson.

selflessamy: don't suck Ben!
one in A MYlion: btw, was that too early for joe johnson?
selflessamy: yes
one in A MYlion: dammit
selflessamy: WAY early for Josh Smith
one in A MYlion: it's the PG thing
selflessamy: yep, here comes the run
selflessamy: do you have one yet?
one in A MYlion: yeah joe johnson
selflessamy: oh, I totally didn't see that
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: that's why i was asking

So now I have a PG, a PF/C & a pure C. Currently strategy is to fill out positions since nothing miraculous has happened, such as LeBron James dropping to the 4th round. Need a shooting guard.

selflessamy: omg...J-Rich??
one in A MYlion: oh god...it's way too early for everything to look so bleak
one in A MYlion: brad miller?
selflessamy: I have a center
selflessamy: I need a SG or SF
one in A MYlion: j rich is a SG
selflessamy: the SG pool really drops off after J-Rich
one in A MYlion: yeah
selflessamy: I really don't want freaking Manu

Gahhh, J-Rich is totally not a 4th round guy. But I’m not crazy about anyone else in this range either. Fine! This is so depressing already.

one in A MYlion: btw, another league?
selflessamy: yeah
selflessamy: next week sometime?
one in A MYlion: sure
one in A MYlion: in that case...this is our practice one
one in A MYlion: :P
selflessamy: heh
selflessamy: unless mines turns out fantastic

Antawn Jamison, who I still have warm fuzzy feeling for even though he only played one season for us & really doesn’t do all the much except score, goes 3 picks after Amy F take Brad Miller. Shaq goes in the last pick of the round & F-ing Manu goes first in the 5th. Next goes Chris Kaman & things are looking bleak.

one in A MYlion: good news....I'm considering stephon marbury
one in A MYlion: *sigh*
selflessamy: I WAS TOO!!

Amy F reluctantly takes Starbury. I continue to freak out about the SF situation. The best player available is Chris Webber. I can’t do that, can I? OMG. I can’t take Chris Webber! He’s hurt constantly & he whines & I always hated him when he was on the Kings… oh God, there’s no one left! We’ve even passed the Zach Randolph stage! I can’t believe what I’m about to do! This can’t be happening!!

selflessamy: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: OMG
one in A MYlion: that just happened
one in A MYlion: :P
selflessamy: OMGOMGOMG!!

I HAVE CHRIS WEBBER!! AHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH!!!

selflessamy: AHHH!!
selflessamy: he better not break
selflessamy: this is awful.

Chris Webber in the 5th round. Chris Webber in the 5th round. Chris Webber in the 5TH ROUND!! Oh God, it’s winding back around to me. I STILL need a SF!!

selflessamy: oh no!!
selflessamy: Shane Battier?!?!
one in A MYlion: i guess
one in A MYlion: that's who i have next too
selflessamy: this? officially blows
one in A MYlion: yeah...this is why its the practice draft
selflessamy: I understand now

This is a disaster. Shane Battier is my starting SF. No good can come of this. Meanwhile the bad picks continue.

selflessamy: holy crap, DARKO
one in A MYlion: that also seems really early
one in A MYlion: i think someone's been reading too many sleepers lists

Amy F makes a nice pick in Josh Howard. I am still depressed about the Webber/Battier disaster.

selflessamy: I considered taking Baron Davis
selflessamy: just now
selflessamy: really
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: I can't believe Shane Battier is my starting SF
selflessamy: can this be good for my fantasy yr?
selflessamy: I don't see how
one in A MYlion: haha

Baron Davis, who looked like he might make it back around where either Amy F or I would be obligated to take him, is snatched up late in Round 6. Tony Parker & Ben Gordon go early in the 7th.

selflessamy: guess people are starting to realize we're running out of decent guards
one in A MYlion: yeah
selflessamy: I mean, I'm starting to realize that
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: true that
one in A MYlion: I'm eyeing larry hughes
one in A MYlion: *sigh*

This draft is beginning to get a “several rounds too deep for good players” feel. It’s not a good feeling.

selflessamy: somebody's about to take Adam Morrison
selflessamy: I can feel it
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: and we're going to laugh a lot
selflessamy: it'd be funnier if he wasn't third down on my available list
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: there's a ways to go on my list because I lowered him due to pure annoyance with the damn moustache
selflessamy: good point

All positions filled & I need to go back to best player available/eye on sensitive positions (PG or C)… I pass on Corey Maggette, who had another one of his often injured/when when he’s healthy seasons for me last year, when I took him in the third. I have a terrible feeling, like maybe this is a bad idea. Then again, it was probably from taking Mike James in the 7th.

selflessamy: I just want you to know, I got this dude off waivers last year
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: the nba is so weird sometimes
selflessamy: …& there goes Maggette
selflessamy: probably he'll have a fantastic year now

We were are in the depressing Sam Cassell/Mike Miller/Danny Granger range. It’s only the 8th round.

selflessamy: here's who is left on my Forward list: Nenad Krstic, Wally World, Channing Frye
selflessamy: SIX MORE ROUNDS TO GO!!
one in A MYlion: haha

I’m looking for a backup C now. Sam Dalembert, my old waiver wire friend/find is still around…& then he’s not.

selflessamy: OH NO!! Dalembert!!
selflessamy: next C on my list is Raef!!
one in A MYlion: oh....that's horrible

As I am reluctantly pressing the button to take Nenad Krstic as my backup center, I can only console myself that Nazr Mohammed went 2 picks ago.

selflessamy: oh God
one in A MYlion: oh dear
selflessamy: everything sucks
one in A MYlion: that's true

Meanwhile, Amy F has taken Ricky Davis, I believe not for the first time. Wow. Brave.

selflessamy: oh look, Mike Dunleavy's still there
selflessamy: F YOU, Mike Dunleavy!
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: the only thought is.....nellie ball?
selflessamy: I don’t care.

Roud 9 rolls around & we are scraping the barrel.

one in A MYlion: so he took wally right before me
one in A MYlion: *sigh*
selflessamy: I can't believe I'm kinda depressed about that
one in A MYlion: haha

In Round 10, Mike “Breakout year, my butt!!” Dunleavy goes 3 picks after I take 3-point specialist (should I really be taking specialists in Round 10?) Kyle Korver & 2 picks after Amy F takes Vladimir Radmanovic for the second year in a row. Round 11.

one in A MYlion: whoa....antoine walker is still in the league...why isn't him higher?
selflessamy: omg...don't do it...
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: didn't happen
selflessamy: oh...thank God
one in A MYlion: but didn't he have an okay year last year?
selflessamy: I don't care

Ah, Antoine Walker. I love Jamison, but the Antoine/Antawn year in Dallas was a fiasco. It basically made me vow never, ever to draft selfish, ball-hogging, low shooting % Antoine Freak Walker. Amy takes Rafer Alston. Meanwhile, I am having massive internal conflict.

selflessamy: something very bad is about to happen
one in A MYlion: lol
one in A MYlion: i sense it already
selflessamy: here it comes

Yes. It was Kurt Thomas time.

one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: L:YIO#HIJE:Oui4uou43jiodsjfhhi;

This is officially a disaster. I have Chris Webber AND Kurt Thomas. I have Chris Webber and Kurt Thomas!!

selflessamy: you know your fantasy draft has gone horribly horribly wrong when...
selflessamy: someone just took Damp...I feel marginally better
one in A MYlion: totally

Finally, in the 12th & last round, after I am forced to take someone whose first name is Smush, Amy F takes almost the full two minutes to finally resign to what she was about to do. Tragically, Antoine Freaking Walker has fallen out of the top ten rounds. Meanwhile people were starting to take guys like “Legally Insane” Stephen Jackson & Raef LaFrentz. And so…

selflessamy: oh. no.
one in A MYlion: well that made me shudder
selflessamy: me too, dude, me too
selflessamy: now I know why it took you almost the whole time
one in A MYlion: no kidding right?

Well that seals it as far as whether we’re doing another league. I can’t get over it. Antoine Freaking Walker!

selflessamy: wow
selflessamy: nice practice draft!
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: I still can't believe I have Webber & Kurt Thomas
selflessamy: that was good times
one in A MYlion: yeah
one in A MYlion: fun
one in A MYlion: it was done just to pass the time and practice for the next draft
selflessamy: right
selflessamy: definitely
selflessamy: I'm all warmed up for the real draft now
one in A MYlion: totally
selflessamy: I still can't believe I'm starting C-Webb
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: i have antoine walker
one in A MYlion: *sigh*
selflessamy: I'm so, so sorry
one in A MYlion: he's firmly on the bench
selflessamy: what if all your other guys suck?
selflessamy: do u stick to your principles?
one in A MYlion: yeah
selflessamy: good for you!

light in the midst of depressing hopeless pitching-starved darkness

2006-09-06T21:34:00.000-04:00

Most of the time, you post here b/c one of your pitchers managed to record an ERA above 50 without getting an out. Or your first round pick punches out some guy at the Palace Brawl & gets suspended for 25 games. Or you accidentally traded for Randy Moss, and you hate Randy Moss.

And then sometimes, you remember why you play.

So yesterday, after finally getting Internet installed after my move, I peek in on my baseball team & realize I'm in the playoffs and down 0-8 on the week. Annoyed, I make a few random moves, picking up a little known young Marlins pitcher named Anibal Sanchez.

And today, Anibal Sanchez throws a no-hitter.

Really, does it get better than that?

a sense of deja vu

2006-08-30T01:46:00.000-04:00

There comes a point in every fantasy baseball season when I start to feel like I've been here before. It's kind of like being a Rangers fan. Mediocre team who doesn't deserve to make the playoffs & even if they got there, like my fantasy team has managed to slip in, they'd just get crushed in the first round, which would probably cause Tom Hicks to do something incredibly stupid, like reacquire Alex Rodriguez, or force Buck to put one of his sons in the starting rotation (and the sad part is they'd probably pitch better than Chan Ho ever did here, despite the fact they're all business executives whose most strenuous daily task is attempting to connect a four-way conference call).

Anyway, after I blindly bluffed my way through my football draft & then immediately accidentally traded for Randy Moss, I must have been feeling a little masochistic b/c I decided to take a closer look at my baseball team, which had recently and miraculously made the playoffs. Here is a breakdown of what happened with my drafted players:

C: Varitek/Barrett
Varitek had a down year. Luckily. He's currently on the DL, & the BoSox are busy sliding all the way out of the playoff race. Barrett turned out to be one of my pleasant surprises, except for the part where he punched AJ Pierzynski just for being AJ Pierzynski & got suspended for 10 games.

1B: Konerko/Morneau
Possibly my position of most boneheaded decisions. I sold my soul for speed early in the season, panicking after realizing I had drafted exactly one player with 10 stolen bases the previous year. So I gave away Konerko for Mike Sweeney, who immediately went on his bi-weekly trip to the DL, & Scott Podsednik, who has since not only stopped stealing bases, but also went ahead & stopped hitting too. ("Can't steal if you're never on base," his manager remarked, carefree as can be as I tried to keep from smashing my hand through my laptop.) Meanwhile, Morneau got off to a slow start & I, not thrilled about having drafted him in the first place, decided to cut bait. I picked up Chris Shelton, who spent a wonderful, magical month and a half emulating Big Papi & then did nothing for the next three. Of course it took me until mid-June to finally give up on him. Meanwhile Morneau started playing out of his mind the moment he realized he was free from my clutches & practically sprinted for 100 RBIs. It was a disaster.

2B: Utley/Loretta
Utley was my prize pick. I took him too early in the second round, but it's turned out he's been worth it several times over. He's a fantasy god among secondbasemen mortals. Loretta turned out to be a good pick, except I didn't keep him. Of course.

3B: A Ramirez/Chavez/E Encarnacion
This started out as my most loaded, greatest strength postion. I had a proven stud, Ramirez, a very steady & underrated producer, Chavez, & a touted sleeper, Encarnacion. Early on, it was peaches. Chavez was brilliant. I got all sorts of trade offers, but why would I trade him when he's having such a GREAT YEAR!?!? WHY OH WHY didn't I trade him!?! Chavez, bothered by injury, fell like a fat kid upon cake. Despite constant, infuriating talk of it, he selfishly refused to go on the DL, instead sitting on a wasted, undeserved & completely undroppable spot on my bench for the entire year, slowly eating away at my soul & patience until, when I saw him at a Rangers game last week, I wanted to go up to him & shake him screaming "WHY?!? WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME LIKE THIS?!?!" But probably I'd get banned from the Ballpark & then I wouldn't have to the yearly pleasure of watching the Rangers finish third again.

SS: Barmes/Renteria
Barmes, so solid last year until a freak injury involving deer meat & my fantasy nemesis Todd Helton (who taught me hate & distrust & so many other life lessons), immediately began a yearlong quest to lose his job. Dropping him long ago, I've spent most of the year living off one shortstop. Luckily, Renteria had a solid year, or else I might have had to jump out a window.

OF: C Lee/Wells/Mench/Pena
"A constant source of aggravation and despair" is probably how I'd describe my outfield. Lee was fantastic, until he was traded to the Rangers of course. ("TEXAS: Where Pennant Races & Good Fantasy Years Go to Die.") Wells had a good year. And that's about as much as you can say about my outfield. Mench had that well-documented shoe-propelled 7-homers-in-7-games dream fantasy stretch, then proceeded to fade to oblivion & eventually get traded to it (Milwaukee). Pena started out as a sparingly-used bench player who--my guys always have the best timing--got a chance to start pretty much as I was dropping him.

SP: Santana/Schmidt/Sheets/Suppan/C Lee/Perez
Santana was Santana. My gamble on Schmidt paid off, he has 10 wins & an ERA under 4. My ridiculously moronic pick of Sheets in the 7th round proved even more stupid than I'd originally thought. He had three separate vacations at his second home, the DL. To be fair, he also won me the "Whose Key Fantasy Player Will Land on the DL the Fastest" award in my league by not even making it to opening day. So, you know, thanks Ben! Suppan & Perez were both worthless, Cliff Lee was up & down & exasperatingly never bad enough to drop, causing me to watch occassional Indians games on ESPN when he was starting with a death grip on the couch arm.

RP: Rivera/Weathers
Rivera is having a slightly below-average season & didn't justify a 4th round pick. David Weathers had one good month & then went back to being David Weathers. Luckily, this was the position I had some excellent waiver wire luck. The first time the BoSox were in town to play the Rangers, I watched a starter-turned-setup-guy I'd never heard of named Jonathon Papelbon take the closer job away from Keith Foulke in two days. Before he'd even struck out his last Ranger on his way to helping the Rangers start what was obviously going to be yet another truly painful season, I was running to my computer to pick him up. Later in the season, when Buck finally gave up on "Win Stopper" Coco Cordero & gave him a "break" from the closer job for a week, I rushed to pick up Akinori Otsuka. Coco went to oblivion (Milwaukee) & Aki got 26 saves for my team.

So in conclusion, I'm going to the playoffs, proving once again that even a clueless commoner like myself can manage a team better than Tom Hicks & Buck Showalter.

amazingly, I did not own Todd Bertuzzi

2006-05-25T00:13:00.000-04:00

Yeah. I had Jermaine O'Neal the year of the Palace Brawl. First round pick, even. I had Kenny Rogers last year, although I did manage to trade him one week before he took out the cameraman.

So yes, of course I own Michael Barrett, he of inexplicable-punch-to-AJ-Pierzynski-possibly-solely-because-he-is-AJ-Pierzynski fame.

The suspension hasn't come down, which is only making me angrier because, in my panic, I had put Barrett on my bench & played ice cold Jason Varitek, thereby missing Barrett's RBI triple the next day after taking consecutive 0-fers from him before the brawl.

I should go back & make sure I didn't own Todd Bertuzzi. He'd fit right in on my team.

Can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent & horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing & listen...

2006-04-19T13:29:00.000-04:00

CANNONBALL!!

...No, actually, the very important announcement is... I have so totally WON my fantasy hockey league. YEAH!! Not just by a little either. No, I spanked that puppy. Won by 12.5 points, baby! I am AWESOME.

This is GREAT news b/c it looks like it's gonna be a looooong summer for fantasy baseball.

I am convinced NBA players are conspiring against me

2006-04-17T23:53:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how fast guys go in the tank as soon as I pick them up. Okay, check this out:

Greg Buckner: 4 games before I picked him up
vs Utah: 13 pts, 5 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 3-pter
vs Portland: 9 pts, 5 rebounds, 1 assist, 5 steals, 1 3-pter
vs Golden State: 11 pts, 3 rebounds, 8 assists, 3 3-pters

vs LA Lakers: 12 pts, 3 rebounds, 3 assists, 2 steals, 3 3-pters

Nothing special, right? Whatever. Stupid Sam Dalembert has been glued to the bench for two weeks now. Week or so left, I'm just trying to pick up whatever I can. Now look at the games since I picked him up:

Greg Buckner: 2 games since I picked him up
vs Sacto: 2 pts, 1 rebound, 2 assists, 0 steals, 1 block, 2 TOs, 0 3-pters, 20% shooting
vs Houston: 4 pts, 2 rebounds, 0 assists, 1 steal, 1 TO, 0 3-pters

WTF? I'm not saying Buckner was an All-Star or anything, but the dude's fallen off the face of the earth! Good God! I'm trying to sneak into the top 3 of my league here!

I'll give you an even more extreme example:

Rashad McCants, 3 games before I picked him up
vs Atlanta: 28 pts, 2 rebounds, 5 assists, 2 steals
vs Utah: 17 pts, 4 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 steals, 2 3-pters
vs Charlotte: 14 pts, 4 rebounds, 1 3-pter

He's averaging 7.9 pts, 1.8 boards on the season, so clearly this is just some spare hitting a hot streak. Looks like a nice late season pickup, right?

Rashad McCants, 3 games after I pick him up
vs Memphis: 11 pts, 3 rebounds, 1 assist, 3 TOs, 1 steal, 0 3-pters
vs Houston: DNP, sprained ankle
vs Indy: DNP,sprained ankle

So great, dude gets hurt, that sucks but I can't keep him on my roster when I'm trying to pick up every point I can this late in the season. So, I drop him. The very next game:

Rashad McCants, vs San Antonio: 20 pts, 6 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 steal, 2 3-pters

GAH!

closer hell

2006-04-16T19:10:00.000-04:00

YES! Today I posted my first "infinity" ERA of the season, courtesy of David Weathers, who failed to get out either of the hitters he faced today, taking the loss & blowing his first save of the year.

Meanwhile, Mariano Rivera, who you'll recall I committed a fourth round pick to, is sitting with one measley save, just three Ks & a 5.40 ERA.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it through the summer.

FANTASY BASEBALL 2006 DRAFT DAY: An Account of the Demise of a Fantasy Team Even As it is Being Put Together

2006-04-05T14:48:00.000-04:00

A Brief History of Incompetence and Mediocrity

In 2005, I finished 5th in my first try at fantasy baseball, which is, of the four, probably the sport I know the least about. Because it is the only sport my dad almost never watches & because my hometown Texas Rangers have consistently proved themselves to be a bumbling, poorly-run disaster of a franchise, I actually didn’t really follow baseball closely until I started playing fantasy. Thus, it was of little surprise to anyone who knows fantasy karma, I drafted safe players who have consistently performed in the past & whom, upon reaching my roster, immediately proceeded to have the worst years of their careers.

“Why is this happening to me??” moaned former All-Star Rockies first-baseman Todd Helton, immediately before packing it in for a month-long stint on the DL. “What have I done to deserve this? WHY ME?!?”

And although I spent the greater part of the season cursing Helton’s name, along with the ones of the many other underachievers that toiled away under the hot summer sun & the pressure of my rapidly sinking position in the standings, it was difficult to be too mad at them when I knew full well why “this” was happening to poor Todd. It was happening because he was on my team & nothing kills your career faster than that.

The Many Things That Went Wrong, & Few That Went Right

-This season, Amy F (one in A Mylion) is in my league again and we are experimenting with head-to-head in a 10-team league. Amazingly, Amy managed to claw her way up to the #4 pick, but I was in my usual position in the lower half of the picking order, albeit higher than usual at #6.

selflessamy: man I love Pujols
selflessamy: I would LOVE to get Pujols
selflessamy: why can't I be higher up in the order, just once?
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: remember that year in bball
one in A MYlion: that you got dirk?
selflessamy: YES
selflessamy: it was at 5
selflessamy: and it was glorious
one in A MYlion: haha

-I ended up snagging three pitchers from last year’s mediocre staff in Santana, Sheets & Cliff Lee. This isn’t terrible. I also got Schmidt in the 12th round & no, I have no idea if I got Version 2003/2004 (steal!) or Version 2005 (jump out a window!).

-My first panic pick of the day was tragically early… Chase Utley in Round 2. But it wasn’t my fault! All the guys I was eying at that spot were taken in succession directly before me & man, in a ten-team league, the snake winds back to you fast. Plus, if you had who I had I had at second base last year, maybe you’d take Utley in the second too.

Or, you know, I panicked.

-In the fourth round, with bitter memories of Coco Cordero’s letdown year & Braden Looper’s complete incompetence, as a closer & a human being, in my mind, I took THE can’t-miss closer, Rivera. None of this messing around, giving up 4 hits, 2 walks & a run before getting a save w/a 4.00+ ERA business.

-Ben Sheets in Round 7 turned out to be a stupid, stupid decision since I hadn’t actually bothered to check into his health. IDIOTIC! I even had this character & his stupid, selfish torn muscle last year. FOOLISH!! Needless to say, I won the “Whose Important Fantasy Player Will Land on the DL Fastest” Award. He didn’t even make it to opening day this year. MORONIC!!!

-Unable to put it off any longer, I reluctantly take Varitek as my first catcher in the 9th round. Fortunately, the team directly behind me immediately takes Barry Bonds, proving, once again, that fantasy ridiculousness is a widespread disease. Bonds can be Bonds this year. Then again, he could get hurt & miss three months. Then again, he could get kicked out of baseball. Varitek suddenly looks like a bargain.

-I took a pair of questionable backups in Morneau & Renteria in Rounds 13 & 14. Later, when I actually look at their stats, I fail to recognize why, exactly, I thought they were viable fantasy commodities. Luckily.

-My outfield depth dropped off rapidly behind Carlos Lee & Vernon Wells. Looking for potential saviors, I am once again screwed over by the team picking in front of me taking Brad Wilkerson.

selflessamy: dammit, I wanted Wilkerson!
selflessamy: later!

I am forced to take yet another starting pitcher. Amy F, in a similar situation, reluctantly takes Jermaine Dye.

selflessamy: ...how do you feel?
one in A MYlion: crappy
one in A MYlion: *sigh*
selflessamy: I only have 2 OF
selflessamy: I am screwed

-In the 17th round, with panic rising, Amy F & I had this conversation:

selflessamy: crap, guess it's time to take another stupid catcher
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: or else, another OF...who do you like?
one in A MYlion: wilkerson?
selflessamy: gone... plus, concerns about the shoulder
selflessamy: he hasn't played all week
one in A MYlion: taveras?
one in A MYlion: rowand?
selflessamy: meh
one in A MYlion: drew?
selflessamy: SIGH
selflessamy: is Edmonds hurt for real??
selflessamy: like long term, or just nagging
one in A MYlion: not sure
selflessamy: sucks
one in A MYlion: he had an mri done
one in A MYlion: but that could mean anything
selflessamy: danger, will robinson
one in A MYlion: mench?
selflessamy: Mench or Rowand?
one in A MYlion: oh god
one in A MYlion: what a horrible question
selflessamy: hehe
selflessamy: ugh!
selflessamy: I don't WANT Mench
one in A MYlion: haha

Of course I took Mench, comforting myself with thoughts of his .400, 6HR, 15RBI spring & virtually guaranteeing he was going to start the season on something like a 0-36 hitless streak.

-Difficult as it was for a ChiSox player to underachieve, disappoint & generally suck while winning the World Series, last year Juan Uribe proved all that & more. He goes in the 21st round, around the time I’m starting to look at interesting platoon players to fill out my floundering outfield.

selflessamy: oh, Juan Uribe...how he FAILED me last year
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: hehe...Kenny Rogers is still around
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: i don't know how to feel about that
selflessamy: i have 45 million pitchers
one in A MYlion: I have ten
one in A MYlion: is that too many?
selflessamy: is 45 million too many?
one in A MYlion: yeah
selflessamy: hehe
selflessamy: well, they say you can never have too much pitching

-This was a ridiculously deep draft, so much so that I eventually hunted down & drafted five of my designated sleepers: underrated 2nd catcher Michael Barrett in 19th, Reds closer David Weathers too high in the 18th (another panic pick), sleeper de jour Edwin Encarnacion in the 20th, new Red Sox platoon OF Willie Mo Pena in the 21st & Pirates opening day starter Oliver Perez in the 23rd.

one in A MYlion: this league is way too deep, and way too many positions
selflessamy: yeah
one in A MYlion: hard draft
selflessamy: we'll have to remember that next time we pick leagues
one in A MYlion: true
one in A MYlion: konerko was a freaking steal
one in A MYlion: he's a 40 HR guy
one in A MYlion: i hate you
selflessamy: heh
selflessamy: truth
selflessamy: I hope Barmes doesn't go around carrying deer meat again
selflessamy: that's unnecessary, kid
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: you're in the big leagues, get someone to do that for you
one in A MYlion: i know!

And thus, I settled in for baseball season. My final roster looked like this:

C: Varitek/Barrett
1B: Konerko/Morneau/Casey (waiver pick up for Sheets, who is on the DL already)
2B: Utley/Loretta
3B: A Ramirez/Chavez/E Encarnacion
SS: Barmes/Renteria
OF: C Lee/Wells/Mench/Pena
SP: Santana/Schmidt/Sheets/Suppan/C Lee/Perez
RP: Rivera/Weathers

The day after the draft, I watched the Pirates’ final spring training game during which Oliver Perez dominated the Red Sox for six innings. At that moment, watching my throw-away final round pick strike out seven Red Sox & happily leap over the first base line on his way to the dugout each inning, I felt pretty good.

Mike Dunleavy is dead to me

2006-03-24T00:30:00.000-05:00

I can't believe this a-hole has the nerve to intentionally average something like 20 pts/6 boards since I finally got fed up & dropped him for fellow white stiff Matt Harpring last week. He is totally on my mortal enemies list, along w/Hitler, the Yankees, the Red Wings, Zach Randolph & A-Rod.

Baseball live draft next Tuesday. We are experimenting w/head-to-head this year. Could be interesting. And by "interesting," of course I mean "a complete disaster." I will try to keep a draft journal.

um, so, I forgot I had this

2006-02-12T00:38:00.000-05:00

So I will make up for it by providing some high comedy in the form of this hilarious trade proposal by some dude in my league.

I give: C. Billups, E. Brand
I get: A. Iverson, D. West

Listen, some dude, Idiot Check time is over. My man Elton just dropped 44/9/2/2/2 on Memphis (65%/100% shooting!!). Billups is a leading MVP candidate! Are we being serious here?

an interesting, yet idiotic strategy

2005-10-31T23:36:00.000-05:00

Someone in my NBA league is apparently running a Stupidity Check.

First they try to get Amy F to give them her first rounder, Gilbert "Awesome" Arenas, for "Only Awesome in the Slam Dunk Contest" semi-sleeper JR Smith & a scrub I literally have never heard of before. Then they make me this irresistable offer:

I give: Second round fantasy super-stud Elton Brand
I get: "Only if you're truly desperate" waiver wire outcast Kwame Brown

Man, I was tempted, let me tell you. *rolls eyes*

I don't know whether to think this guy is a moron for thinking anyone could be that stupid or brilliant for trying in case anyone is that stupid.

Fantasy Drafting Adventures From Hell

2005-10-30T20:43:00.000-05:00

So that whole writing a draft diary thing totally has yet to happen for my hockey draft, but I’m not giving up on it yet. Maybe I’ll get it done sometime. Meanwhile, here is running commentary & my IM conversation with my friend Amy F (who is also in my league) during our NBA draft this weekend. [I am selflessamy, she is one in A MYlion. Amy F’s roommate Leanne is also drafting in our league.]

FANTASY NBA DRAFT PLAY-BY-PLAY

For the third year in a row, none of us land anywhere near the top in draft order. I’m never going to get KG.

selflessamy: we got screwed on draft order again
one in A MYlion: seriously? where?
selflessamy: I'm 8
selflessamy: you & Leanne are last
one in A MYlion: damn
selflessamy: I don't understand!
one in A MYlion: neither do i
selflessamy: how come we NEVER get above 5
one in A MYlion: *sigh*
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: not ONCE
selflessamy: we draft EVERY YEAR
selflessamy: multiple times
selflessamy: in every sport
one in A MYlion: hm...well at least that means I'll get to draft a few times in arow
selflessamy: that's true
selflessamy: I hope there are some stupid people in our league

8 is actually a really unfortunate position to be in b/c you’re not low enough to draft two consecutive really good but not elite players, but you’re also not high enough to get someone really good. Whoever you get is going to be flawed. The five players on my list within my range are TD, AI, Elton Brand, AK-47 & Kobe.

selflessamy: what am I going to do if Kobe is there at 8? I HATE Kobe
one in A MYlion: I'm taking Kobe
selflessamy: hehe
one in A MYlion: AI has some knee problems
one in A MYlion: Kobe is Kobe
one in A MYlion: and TD can't shoot free throws
selflessamy: I am hoping either Wade or T-Mac drops, but more likely Kobe or AI will be there
selflessamy: Brand? AK47?
selflessamy: too high?
one in A MYlion: tooo high for brand
one in A MYlion: about right for AK
selflessamy: is he healthy?
one in A MYlion: yeah
one in A MYlion: i haven't heard anything
one in A MYlion: i would be wary of AI and TMac if you're worried about injuries
selflessamy: if T-Mac's there, I'm taking him
one in A MYlion: you can't not take TMac at 8
selflessamy: but if it's bwn AI & AK, I think I might go w/AK

Last year I ran 2 teams & finished 5th & 3rd. I’m only running one team this year b/c I’m also running hockey & football pick-em, so I gotta not F up the draft this year.

selflessamy: I am determined to get a good PG this year
selflessamy: I got screwed last yr
one in A MYlion: who'd you get last year?
selflessamy: Terry in one league, Kidd in the other
selflessamy: *stabs self in eyeball*
one in A MYlion: hm....that's not bad
selflessamy: no, it really was
one in A MYlion: I mean they both are pretty high this year
selflessamy: yeah, this year
selflessamy: remember, Terry didn't start until 20 games into the season
one in A MYlion: oh yeah
selflessamy: Kidd was hurt until Dec
one in A MYlion: miserable
selflessamy: arggggggggghh

Last year, we both had Zach Randolph on one of our teams, so misguided we were by his potential & brand new contract extension. He is now one of my personal sworn enemies, along with the Yankees & Sadaam Hussein.

selflessamy: these lists all have Z Randolph too high
selflessamy: I want to send a memo out
one in A MYlion: i hate him
selflessamy: STAY AWAY

Ok & we are underway. KG, LeBron & T-Mac go quickly.

selflessamy: so much for tmac falling
one in A MYlion: haha

Kobe goes way too high at 4 & Marion, Dirk & Wade all go by the time it gets to me. Good God, what to do. It seems too early for AK47 & Brand. I like AI, but am terrified by the injury history. It looks like the Robot, TD.

selflessamy: WHOO
selflessamy: omg someone took Nash in the first round AGAIN!!
one in A MYlion: yeah...i don't get it
one in A MYlion: who's he throwing the ball to?

Leanne makes an interesting & probably ill-fated decision to take Baron Davis with her first pick & Amy follows with Arenas & AK47 with her back-to-back picks. Solid. In the second round coming back around to me, I’d really like to take an elite PG (Marbury?). Stunningly, Leanne takes Kidd, the sixth PG on my list, with her second pick. I don’t know whether to be overjoyed or suspicious she knows something I don’t.

selflessamy: wow, Kidd's already gone?
one in A MYlion: yeah leanne took him
selflessamy: wow
one in A MYlion: and baron
selflessamy: tell her good luck
one in A MYlion: I'm not sure what to think
one in A MYlion: at least she's loaded at PG
selflessamy: well, he'll be throwing to VC all yr
one in A MYlion: and Jefferson

Brand is miraculously still around when it gets back to me, so I happily snatch him up. Always feels good when one of the guys you considered in the previous round falls to you later on.

So we settle in for the long wait for the picks to come back around to us when, suddenly, out of no where, the Idiot Fantasy Move of the Day falls into our laps.

selflessamy: omg
one in A MYlion: omg
one in A MYlion: amare
selflessamy: ARE YOU KIDDING
selflessamy: THANK YOU, GOD

Amare Stoudamire, out at least 4 months & possibly longer w/knee surgery & who may never again have the explosion that made him so dominant. Second round pick. Oh, it is GLORIOUS.

selflessamy: i really should take a guard this round
one in A MYlion: seems early for hughes
selflessamy: Bibby is my next highest PG ranked & I hate him
one in A MYlion: billups?
selflessamy: in the third round?
one in A MYlion: yeah...it's early for him
one in A MYlion: but he's the next one on my list
selflessamy: Maggette????
one in A MYlion: artest?
selflessamy: maybe
one in A MYlion: i mean....he has solid numbers
selflessamy: I might have to do it
selflessamy: what are the chances he'll attack fans 2 yrs in a row, right?

Unfortunately Artest is snatched up with the pick before mine & so I am forced to go w/the safe pick, Maggette. Amy makes back-to-back solid young guy picks, Bosh & Dwight Howard. Meanwhile I’m back in the position I seem to be in every year, where I HAVE to take a point guard now, but all the elite ones are already gone & the second tier ones don’t seem worthy of such a high pick.

On my PG list, Wade, AI, Marbury, Arenas, Davis, Nash, Kidd, & Francis are all already gone. Remaining acceptable #1 PGs are Billups, Terry & Bibby, & I am not crazy about any of them. Luckily, Billups is there so I take him.

Between the fourth & fifth round, we have officially hit Odom range. A couple of mid-level guys go, Gasol (who I had & hated having 2 years ago), K-Mart (who was a major second round disappointment for me last year) & Sam Cassell way, way too high.

selflessamy: I remember when I used to be so high on Michael Redd
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: then I realized all he could do is score
one in A MYlion: nothing but points
selflessamy: damn, I wanted Jamison
one in A MYlion: he's really just a 3 cat guy though
selflessamy: I think I'm still looking at him in my Mavs-rose-colored glasses of adoration
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: well he was a really nice guy

As it circles back to me, I am still on Odom-watch & I realize, dear God, he’s going to get to me. I take him hesitantly, even though his whole “I’m going to sit out like the last 6 weeks of the season b/c playing with Kobe defeats me” attitude is worrisome. And you know, he hasn’t gotten arrested for pot in almost TWO YEARS! That has to be some kind of record with him.

Meanwhile, Amy F is forced to take Kurt Thomas.

one in A MYlion: omg....it's krt thomas time
selflessamy: he's a good bet this yr
selflessamy: no amare until like next march
one in A MYlion: yeah
selflessamy: heh, it still doesn't feel good, does it
selflessamy: I REFUSE TO TAKE ZACH RANDOLPH
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: terry is available....
selflessamy: I know

I love Terry in real life, I do, but he was a major fantasy black hole last season. He didn’t even start until six weeks into the season & was not a consistent scorer b/c Don Nelson wanted him to pass more. Still, lacking options, I take him as my second PG.

selflessamy: what the hell. Avery says he's going to shoot more this yr
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: at least I didn't take Zach Randolph
one in A MYlion: true

Hitting the seventh round, we start hitting the fantasy junk pile. Someone takes sometime-waiver-wire-contributor Morris Peterson too high. I start panicking for a backup center. Okur is next highest on my list, followed by Dalembert & hilariously, Raef LaFrentz. Someone takes Dampier, prompting me to waste several minutes of valuable scrutiny time b/c I’m laughing too hard with delight.

Okur goes before it gets to me. Refusing to take Dalembert, who I sometimes had off waivers last year, this high, I take the first of my sleeper picks, slam dunk contest superstud/shot-blocking guard Josh Smith. Even I know it is too high for him.

selflessamy: ...who is Raymond Felton?
one in A MYlion: no clue
one in A MYlion: whoa white chocolate is still available
selflessamy: he's in MIAMI
one in A MYlion: I mean....how hard is it to dish to wade and shaq?

We were both screwed by Jason Williams, aka White Chocolate, last season & I still hold a grudge. I helps that he is stuck in Miami this season where he has to share shots & playing time with Shaq, Dwayne Wade & the mother of all ball hogs, Antoine Walker.

selflessamy: Q-Rich?
one in A MYlion: wow...he's still available!?!?!?
selflessamy: he's in NY now
one in A MYlion: oh yeah
one in A MYlion: ....where good players go to die

Leanne eventually ended up with a pretty good team, but this is where she made back-to-back highly questionable decisions. First she picked up White Chocolate, then…

selflessamy: OMG! she took Walker!!!
selflessamy: AHAHAHAHA!!!!
one in A MYlion: ....
one in A MYlion: damn
one in A MYlion: wow
selflessamy: greatness!

Now totally in sleeper mode, I mostly confidently take Al Jefferson & Eddie Griffin & then realized I was running out of options.

selflessamy: *whispers* Chris Mihm?
one in A MYlion: no!
selflessamy: ok, just making sure

Amy’s in trouble too & we’re both researching frantically.

one in A MYlion: radmanovic?
selflessamy: maybe
one in A MYlion: that was painful
selflessamy: whoa, foot problems!!
one in A MYlion: damn!

I realize too late that the picks between Amy’s Radmonovic pick & my next pick closed faster than I thought & I was suddenly on the clock without a pick ready to go…again. This happens to me at least once every live draft, it’s like a curse or something. Freaking out with time running out, I take the last PG left on my list, waiver wire wonder Brevin Knight.

selflessamy: ok, panic pick
selflessamy: that was a bad idea
one in A MYlion: haha

Scraping the bottom of the barrel, people like Mike Finley (whose only job this year will be shooting off the bench) & Doug Christie (the Mavs’ new defensive specialist) go off the board, & then, with the very last pick of the draft…

selflessamy: AHH! You got KVH!
one in A MYlion: yeah....
one in A MYlion: i didn't know what else to do
selflessamy: AHAHA!
selflessamy: greatness!

Ta-da. Draft over. My team, as it stands (I have a waiver request in to unload Knight for my sleeper favorite Zaza Pachulia):

PG: Billups/Terry/James/Knight
SG: Maggette/J Smith/Griffin
SF: Odom/Dunleavy
PF: Brand/A Jefferson
C: TD/Dalembert

selflessamy: I am so happy about my Eddie Griffin pick now
one in A MYlion: i though bosh was center eligable
selflessamy: me too, what happened there?
one in A MYlion: i have no idea!?!?!?
selflessamy: guess he didn't play enough games
one in A MYlion: jerk
selflessamy: yeah, you tell him
selflessamy: I hope I don't get screwed by my PGs
selflessamy: 2 scoring PGs again
one in A MYlion: who are they again?
selflessamy: Billups & Terry
selflessamy: I'll be lucky not to finish last in assists
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: dammit....leanne's team looks awesome
selflessamy: she got Josh Howard? jealousy
one in A MYlion: i know! and wallace
one in A MYlion: i love wallace
selflessamy: at least she got White Chocolate
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: AND ANTOINE WALKER
one in A MYlion: haha!

stay calm!

2005-09-24T00:42:00.000-04:00

Ok. So in preparation for my fantasy hockey draft tomorrow, let's go over who I should get in the first round if all goes right, which it won't. I always think they go right & then it always turns out I put myself out of the running for the season just by showing up.

But anyway, here's my top 12.

1.) Martin Brodeur. Automatic.
2.) Marcus Naslund. Almost entirely on the basis of how cool that Nike commercial was.
3.) Joe Thorton. I mean, what are the chances he'll get arrested again, am I right?
4.) Jarome Iginla. That's "Captain" Stud to you.
5.) Marty Turco. The plan is, get either Brodeur, Turco or Kipper in the first round, or pick up the stud forward first & wait for a second tier guy in the second or third round. The plan may fail miserably.
6.) Sergei Gonchar. Defense is the second base of fantasy hockey. There are only so many elite guys. But still, I'd hate to use a first rounder on a D.
7.) Martin St Louis. I've always said shorter is better, & that has nothing to do w/the fact that I'm 5'2".
8.) Miika Kiprusoff. The shaky plan makes me very, very nervous.
9.) Joe Sakic. Mr Consistency. But then, that's what they used to call Modano.
10.) Brad Richards. You can only be underrated for so long.
11.) Marian Hossa. Extremely concerned about this whole "being in Atlanta, which is not Ottawa" thing.
12.) Rick Nash. Can you believe I got this guy on the waiver wire last year? I rule.

My designated sleepers include: Jason Spezza, Brenden Morrow (I'm a Stars homer, but I also had him last year & he is more than worth the 5th round pick I got him for... he is 25-30 goals, 110+ PIMs & many many power play points waiting to happen), Dwayne Roloson for my second goalie & Chris Simon.

And the answer is yes, I'll draft Mike Modano... if he's there in the 4th round or later.

My experience in live drafts is that it involves a lot of panic & devastation & thus, the better to record these wonderful moments for posperity, I will be keeping a draft journal. We'll see how it goes.

how does one pick up a 54.00 ERA & a 9.0 WHIP while only getting ONE OUT??

2005-09-22T20:04:00.000-04:00

What do you have to say for yourself, Braden Looper? I want you to go back to the bench & think about what you have done.

Jerkface.

Anyway. Hockey draft coming up this weekend. To say I'm extremely ill-prepared would be putting it mildly.

now THIS is what I'm talking about!

2005-09-21T23:52:00.000-04:00

Matt Holliday yesterday:
4/5, 3 runs, 2 home runs, .800 average... 8 RBI!!!!!!

Oh, snap.

I take it back

2005-08-28T18:03:00.000-04:00

Sheets is the AntiChrist. Muscle tear? How can you do this to me?

Rangers fans, have you noticed how K-Mench & Chris Young have been tearing it up since I let them both go about two weeks ago? No need to thank me. Just taking one for the team.

Mike Mussina hates my guts

2005-08-25T02:12:00.000-04:00

M. Mussina 4.1IP 6H 8R 8ER 2BB 4K 1HR

How can you let that happen? OMG! The 5th inning scoring summary makes me want to throw up in my own mouth.

Meanwhile, I had the distinct pleasure of watching Ichiro take an 0-fer in person today. He is lucky I'm a Ranger fan or I would be seriously pissed off right now.

Is Ben Sheets the AntiChrist? A meaningful & spiritual discussion.

2005-08-16T00:36:00.000-04:00

Let's just take a nice look at that line, hmm Ben?

B. Sheets 6.0IP 13H 10R 10ER 0BB 7K 1HR

That was really mean of you to let me build up confidence in you by having several really solid starts in a row. Ironically, you also managed to get bombed by the very Colorado hitters I've been willing to get going for weeks now. So at least I got 5 hits, 5 runs & 2 RBI (& 7 Ks) out of it.

Alright fine. I guess Ben Sheets isn't the AntiChrist.

Then it has to be Brazobán, right?

Jeff Francoeur internal monologue after seeing Ames benched him in both leagues

2005-08-14T18:00:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah?

*hits 3-run homer*

How do you them apples, mo-fo?

<3 <3 <3

2005-08-14T02:19:00.000-04:00

Chris Carpenter is the man.

"El Sucko" Brazobán loses closer job in LA, maintains undeserved spot on Ames' roster

2005-08-13T00:52:00.000-04:00

I refuse to be the one who gave up on Brazobán when LA did & then missed out on however many saves he ends up getting when he rounds back into form & wins his job back when the Dodgers realize they have no other options. Enjoy the bench, Yhency.

The Rangers continue to lose, but on the bright side, Hideki Matsui & Jorge Posada apparently really, really like playing against them. Hey, I might as well get something out of these games. Meanwhile Kevin Mench, glued to my bench since the ASB, is now batting 8th in the order. I've got tickets to a game on their next homestand, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind, that a-hole.

Jeff Francoeur has another human night, dropping his average to around .400 & making me nervous that he's finally about to return to Earth. No, no, Jeff, you don't want to do that. Earth's no fun, trust me.

Today, let's look at my increasingly infuriating pitching situations. In the league where I'm 4th, here's how my staff looks:

reliable starters: Carpenter, Willis & Sheets
touch & go starters: Mussina, Arroyo & C. Lee
reliable relievers: K-Rod & B. Looper
idiot who lost his job but only after tricking Ames into buying into him: Brazobán

So clearly, while I have my issues w/offense in that league, no one is crying for me. However, always a source for tears is my staff in the league where I'm now 9th:

starter I drafted too high not to always start despite being just okay this season: Santana
unreliable, inconsistent, unproven & generally bad starters who are, at their core, the reason I started this blog so I can have somewhere to complain about them: Maddux, Chacin, Silva, Robertson, & J. Sosa
closer who has been okay, I guess, but is really a huge disappointment considering last season & who hardly ever gets to pitch b/c his team is too busy blowing leads before he gets a chance: F. Cordero
relievers I was forced to rely on off the waiver wire b/c all my other relievers either sucked & got dropped or had season-ending surgery (I'm looking at you, stupid Eric Gagne): Shields & Duchscherer
resident DL inhabitant who I wasted a draft pick on: Escobar

And now I want to go jump out a window. Other pitchers who collected big fat ERAs for me during the season include: Al "Threat to Retire In-Game" Leiter, "Don't Vote For" Pedro Astacio & amazingly, 3 other members of the Rangers opening day rotation, which I believe speaks to the depth of pitching woes in much the same way owning members of the Kansas City Royals not named Mike Sweeney speaks to a distinct inevitable failure in hitting categories.

Is starting Mike Mussina against the Rangers really a good idea? Probably not. But I'm going to do it anyway.

Memo to Bronson Arroyo: You are white.

2005-08-11T00:21:00.000-04:00

Is there anything worse than not playing a player against your hometown team & then having that player totally excel? So then your team loses AND you didn't even get the fantasy points out of it. Is soooo depressing & predictable.

So Arroyo, who was wearing cornrolls in an effort to look as much as possible like the White Ghetto Baseball Dork From Outer Space, ended up going 7 innings & picking up the win & the Rangers get swept. By the way, it appears the only people in the entire world who are still in denial over the face that the Rangers are so far out of the playoff race, they can't even see where the race is anymore, is the management.

Buck's still talking about how he expects Richard Hidalgo to be back before the end of the season. Dear God, WHY? There is no reason to this madness. We are out of the race! It's over! Why waste a spot in the lineup on that spare when you can plug in a young kid to see what you've got? I know! I stuck with that loser on my roster for way too long at the beginning of the season, just waiting for the promised hot streak, waiting & waiting & eventually beginning to fantasize about sneaking into the Ballpark one day, grabbing Hidalgo when no one's looking, backing him against a wall & screaming at him, "WHY?!? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?"

But probably the police wouldn't understand when I explained about how I wasted a 15th round on him & his huge bag of nothing.

Coco Cordero still hasn't had a save yet this month & his appearances are starting to get further & further apart & it makes me ANGRY!

If you take a good solid look at David DeJesus's stats & realize that just a week ago, I was starting him regularly in the outfield, you will understand why I'm so far back in this league.

Against my better judgment, I'm letting Maddux start tomorrow against St. Louis. Hey, he's got good career numbers against them! And if you ignore the 6 runs he allowed against Arizona, he actually hasn't allowed more than 3 runs in his last 6 starts!

You're right. He's going to get smashed.

jumping out a window won't help that ERA ranking

2005-08-10T02:16:00.000-04:00

Okay, so recapping the season so far... I'm in 4th in one league, 9th in the other.

Boneheaded moves I've made:

Gave up on Javier Vázquez after 2 starts (37.80 ERA, 6.00 WHIP, no wins). He's now 9-10 with a 4.24 ERA & I'm scraping the bottom in almost all pitching categories.
Drafted Mark Loretta (16 HRs last year) to be my starting 2B. He's up to 1 homer now, but I dropped him long before he even got that.
Had 9-2 reliever Jesse Crain during his what might have been his only bad stretch (16.88 ERA, no wins) of the season.
Gave up on Tom Gordon (8.44 ERA, 2 K, no wins when I had him) pretty much directly before he remembered he didn't suck (5-4, 2.92 ERA, 52 K on the season).
Drafted Todd Helton (career .335 hitter, averaging 30-40 HR a year) in the first round. Those 11 HRs sure do look lovely sitting on the DL right now.
Yeah. Kevin Mench? Totally sitting on my bench for his 3 HR, 5 RBI game. This after a week of taking 0-fers & finally deciding to punish the guy. *facepalm*

A few of my good moves, so I don't cry:

Chris Carpenter (16-4, 2.26 ERA) in the 11th round. Boo-yah.
Dontrelle Willis (15-7, 2.87 ERA)in the 15th round. Double boo-yah.
Traded Kenny Rogers away the week before the cameraman fiasco.

So... can I really drop Greg Maddux? I mean, yeah, he hasn't won since July 10. And the Cubs keep losing games like 6-13. But the man has 313 career wins. I don't think I can do this.

Potential disaster tomorrow: Nate Robertson vs Gustavo Chacin, I own them both (yes, I'm well aware how sad that is, thanks). I'm only playing Chacin on account of Robertson has not allowed fewer than 5 runs a game since I picked him up. But usually when I take one pitcher over another I own, it means the one I didn't take is getting ready to try for a perfect game. This might be a great time to pick up Robertson if you're playing along at home.

Introduction: Welcome to Suckville

2005-08-10T01:37:00.000-04:00

I'm creating this blog primarily as a way to vent my constant & never-ending frustration over my various fantasy sports teams. Of course I can use it to celebrate good fantasy moments as well... but don't worry, those moments are few & far between.

This is my second year playing fantasy basketball. I've also played fantasy hockey & this is my first year doing baseball. And dear God, am I terrible at it. I mean, I suck. I've never finished higher than 3rd in a league (my second basketball team this year, where I managed to draft Dirk Nowitzki, regular season superstud, 5th) & it looks like I'm headed toward not being anywhere near that in my two baseball leagues this year.

To be fair, I've never really even followed baseball that closely before last year. I drafted purely by following expert suggestions. And to that I say: F you, Todd Helton.