A Brief History of Incompetence and Mediocrity
In 2005, I finished 5th in my first try at fantasy baseball, which is, of the four, probably the sport I know the least about. Because it is the only sport my dad almost never watches & because my hometown Texas Rangers have consistently proved themselves to be a bumbling, poorly-run disaster of a franchise, I actually didn’t really follow baseball closely until I started playing fantasy. Thus, it was of little surprise to anyone who knows fantasy karma, I drafted safe players who have consistently performed in the past & whom, upon reaching my roster, immediately proceeded to have the worst years of their careers.
“Why is this happening to me??” moaned former All-Star Rockies first-baseman Todd Helton, immediately before packing it in for a month-long stint on the DL. “What have I done to deserve this? WHY ME?!?”
And although I spent the greater part of the season cursing Helton’s name, along with the ones of the many other underachievers that toiled away under the hot summer sun & the pressure of my rapidly sinking position in the standings, it was difficult to be too mad at them when I knew full well why “this” was happening to poor Todd. It was happening because he was on my team & nothing kills your career faster than that.
The Many Things That Went Wrong, & Few That Went Right
-This season, Amy F (one in A Mylion) is in my league again and we are experimenting with head-to-head in a 10-team league. Amazingly, Amy managed to claw her way up to the #4 pick, but I was in my usual position in the lower half of the picking order, albeit higher than usual at #6.
selflessamy: man I love Pujols
selflessamy: I would LOVE to get Pujols
selflessamy: why can't I be higher up in the order, just once?
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: remember that year in bball
one in A MYlion: that you got dirk?
selflessamy: YES
selflessamy: it was at 5
selflessamy: and it was glorious
one in A MYlion: haha
-I ended up snagging three pitchers from last year’s mediocre staff in Santana, Sheets & Cliff Lee. This isn’t terrible. I also got Schmidt in the 12th round & no, I have no idea if I got Version 2003/2004 (steal!) or Version 2005 (jump out a window!).
-My first panic pick of the day was tragically early… Chase Utley in Round 2. But it wasn’t my fault! All the guys I was eying at that spot were taken in succession directly before me & man, in a ten-team league, the snake winds back to you fast. Plus, if you had who I had I had at second base last year, maybe you’d take Utley in the second too.
Or, you know, I panicked.
-In the fourth round, with bitter memories of Coco Cordero’s letdown year & Braden Looper’s complete incompetence, as a closer & a human being, in my mind, I took THE can’t-miss closer, Rivera. None of this messing around, giving up 4 hits, 2 walks & a run before getting a save w/a 4.00+ ERA business.
-Ben Sheets in Round 7 turned out to be a stupid, stupid decision since I hadn’t actually bothered to check into his health. IDIOTIC! I even had this character & his stupid, selfish torn muscle last year. FOOLISH!! Needless to say, I won the “Whose Important Fantasy Player Will Land on the DL Fastest” Award. He didn’t even make it to opening day this year. MORONIC!!!
-Unable to put it off any longer, I reluctantly take Varitek as my first catcher in the 9th round. Fortunately, the team directly behind me immediately takes Barry Bonds, proving, once again, that fantasy ridiculousness is a widespread disease. Bonds can be Bonds this year. Then again, he could get hurt & miss three months. Then again, he could get kicked out of baseball. Varitek suddenly looks like a bargain.
-I took a pair of questionable backups in Morneau & Renteria in Rounds 13 & 14. Later, when I actually look at their stats, I fail to recognize why, exactly, I thought they were viable fantasy commodities. Luckily.
-My outfield depth dropped off rapidly behind Carlos Lee & Vernon Wells. Looking for potential saviors, I am once again screwed over by the team picking in front of me taking Brad Wilkerson.
selflessamy: dammit, I wanted Wilkerson!
selflessamy: later!
I am forced to take yet another starting pitcher. Amy F, in a similar situation, reluctantly takes Jermaine Dye.
selflessamy: ...how do you feel?
one in A MYlion: crappy
one in A MYlion: *sigh*
selflessamy: I only have 2 OF
selflessamy: I am screwed
-In the 17th round, with panic rising, Amy F & I had this conversation:
selflessamy: crap, guess it's time to take another stupid catcher
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: or else, another OF...who do you like?
one in A MYlion: wilkerson?
selflessamy: gone... plus, concerns about the shoulder
selflessamy: he hasn't played all week
one in A MYlion: taveras?
one in A MYlion: rowand?
selflessamy: meh
one in A MYlion: drew?
selflessamy: SIGH
selflessamy: is Edmonds hurt for real??
selflessamy: like long term, or just nagging
one in A MYlion: not sure
selflessamy: sucks
one in A MYlion: he had an mri done
one in A MYlion: but that could mean anything
selflessamy: danger, will robinson
one in A MYlion: mench?
selflessamy: Mench or Rowand?
one in A MYlion: oh god
one in A MYlion: what a horrible question
selflessamy: hehe
selflessamy: ugh!
selflessamy: I don't WANT Mench
one in A MYlion: haha
Of course I took Mench, comforting myself with thoughts of his .400, 6HR, 15RBI spring & virtually guaranteeing he was going to start the season on something like a 0-36 hitless streak.
-Difficult as it was for a ChiSox player to underachieve, disappoint & generally suck while winning the World Series, last year Juan Uribe proved all that & more. He goes in the 21st round, around the time I’m starting to look at interesting platoon players to fill out my floundering outfield.
selflessamy: oh, Juan Uribe...how he FAILED me last year
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: hehe...Kenny Rogers is still around
one in A MYlion: haha
one in A MYlion: i don't know how to feel about that
selflessamy: i have 45 million pitchers
one in A MYlion: I have ten
one in A MYlion: is that too many?
selflessamy: is 45 million too many?
one in A MYlion: yeah
selflessamy: hehe
selflessamy: well, they say you can never have too much pitching
-This was a ridiculously deep draft, so much so that I eventually hunted down & drafted five of my designated sleepers: underrated 2nd catcher Michael Barrett in 19th, Reds closer David Weathers too high in the 18th (another panic pick), sleeper de jour Edwin Encarnacion in the 20th, new Red Sox platoon OF Willie Mo Pena in the 21st & Pirates opening day starter Oliver Perez in the 23rd.
one in A MYlion: this league is way too deep, and way too many positions
selflessamy: yeah
one in A MYlion: hard draft
selflessamy: we'll have to remember that next time we pick leagues
one in A MYlion: true
one in A MYlion: konerko was a freaking steal
one in A MYlion: he's a 40 HR guy
one in A MYlion: i hate you
selflessamy: heh
selflessamy: truth
selflessamy: I hope Barmes doesn't go around carrying deer meat again
selflessamy: that's unnecessary, kid
one in A MYlion: haha
selflessamy: you're in the big leagues, get someone to do that for you
one in A MYlion: i know!
And thus, I settled in for baseball season. My final roster looked like this:
C: Varitek/Barrett
1B: Konerko/Morneau/Casey (waiver pick up for Sheets, who is on the DL already)
2B: Utley/Loretta
3B: A Ramirez/Chavez/E Encarnacion
SS: Barmes/Renteria
OF: C Lee/Wells/Mench/Pena
SP: Santana/Schmidt/Sheets/Suppan/C Lee/Perez
RP: Rivera/Weathers
The day after the draft, I watched the Pirates’ final spring training game during which Oliver Perez dominated the Red Sox for six innings. At that moment, watching my throw-away final round pick strike out seven Red Sox & happily leap over the first base line on his way to the dugout each inning, I felt pretty good.
Labels: amy f, draft diary, fantasy baseball
